Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
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Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Velcrow
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.