I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
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wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
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Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
What my back needs
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers