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DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…