Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
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“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.