went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
You Might Also Like
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl