[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
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[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here