My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
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My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
scared to check what name she chose
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me