why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
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me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
My ideal weight is five million dollars
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.