People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
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WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
can I use a minion as a tampon
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I hope it’s French Onion!
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps