Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
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Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
That’s not how days work.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?