What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
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[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.