ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
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putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I hope it’s French Onion!
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end