The government even made aliens boring
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Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.