@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
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Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I mean…but I did
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit