My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
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I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.