Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
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you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
congratulations to them
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.