[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
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My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
PER MY LAST EMAIL
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.