interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
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My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
an octopus is just a wet spider