What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
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Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.