My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon