Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
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Donating blood today to make room for more food
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions: