God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
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My life coach traded me.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Am I having a stroke?
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts