There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
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Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
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