*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
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Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
You wish you had this many chins.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
did it work
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.