[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
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In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
My Guy
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.