Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
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I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Start the year as you intend to continue.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.