You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
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me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
why does this building look like a guilty dog
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I feel it
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.