Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
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if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.