I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
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Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work