Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
You Might Also Like
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I’m not lazy
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.