My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
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who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Lmfao
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]