Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
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Deer are just ballerina dogs
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner