Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
You Might Also Like
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
tell em, edith-anne
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?