ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
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Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
yes… yes…
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.