Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
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I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Please do it!
satan: not today, microsoft teams
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream