Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
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My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me