The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
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ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
don’t be scared
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.