When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
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Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.