‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
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Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Netflix and awkward silence?
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!