Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
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Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it