Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
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I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Seems legit
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3