Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
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*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
“no gods no masters” = leo
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral