*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
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*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
This dude got his own movie?
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.