Proctology is located in A55
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Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring