nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.