if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
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Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.