8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
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It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.