There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
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When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.