There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
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The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?