“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
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Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting